So this one is going to be just about me. What it’s like to live in my head.
I may be happy, I may have a smile on my face, I may be laughing and joking, but inside I’m breaking down every little thing and criticising everything I’ve said.
Someone may say to me “oh I like your hair” my reply would be “thanks.” Do I believe it? No. In my head that’s turned to, I don’t like your hair, I don’t like you, go away.
I criticise everything I say. Should I of said that? Did I offend them? Did they take it the wrong way? That’s all part of the anxiety.
The worst part is when the depression kicks in aswell.
So yesterday was a bad day for me. The day before I had 2 panic attacks whilst at work. They literally zapped every bit of energy I had in my body, to the point I couldn’t even lift my arms. I sat there in a lay by, tears rolling down my cheeks, not knowing why I’m even panicking. I instantly rang my boyfriend who calmed me down, he spoke to me, told me everything was going to be okay. But in relality i felt I was never going to be okay. I thought I was going to die. I felt like a belt was tightening around my chest. Someone was tightening it to the point I couldn’t breathe. Then it just stopped. The shakes started, the tears kept rolling, I felt sick. I needed to carry on at work. People depend on me. I tried my hardest to put on a brave face in front of clients but when you can’t even raise your arms or even have the energy to talk it’s bloody hard work.
Anyway the day after I started work. Still feeling drained and had little sleep I carried on. At 3:00 I finished work and got straight into bed. I didn’t get out untill the yesterday evening. That’s s long time to be sitting in bed with only your thoughts. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I forced myself to get dressed but ended up right back where I started, in bed. I hadn’t eaten all day. My stomach was churning I needed food. I finally found an ounce of energy to go downstairs and make something to eat. Downstairs was my boyfriends nephew, he’s 5 or 6 years old. He bounced to me and gave me a cuddle and a kiss and if anyone reads this that knows him he said “I love you one” which instantly cheered me up. But once again I ended up in bed. That day I thought about self harm. I felt I needed a release, I needed to let these feelings out and in my head the only way was though harming myself. I didn’t. It’s a weird feeling needing to self harm, you feel that cutting yourself and running a blade over your skin till they pour blood will solve it, the feelings suddenly disappear. It’s asif all your problems leave with every drop of blood. I reminded myself I’m strong. I don’t need to do this anymore. I keep a bobble on my arm and twang myself with it whenever I get the urge. It helps a lot and I’m so happy that I didn’t harm myself. At points when I feel like I need to, I think about me in a bikini in front of my family and them asking about the scars. I got asked that whilst i was on holiday. I lied because it was easier than telling the truth. It makes me feel ashamed that I was so low that that felt was the only option to let my feelings out. I haven’t self harmed for about 2 months now and I’m proud of myself!!
So here I am, once again. Laid in bed writing this but today I accomplished something. I got up. I smiled. I got a shower and got ready for work. I ate. And went to work. I argued with my “sperm doner” and I said everything I needed to say. I feel like that chapter of my life has finally closed. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel liberated that i finally spoke my mind, that I finally stood up for myself. That is something I’ve never done before.
I just want to say, these feelings of self doubt and depressed won’t last forever: these feeling is only temporary. Keep a smile on your face permanently.
If you smile, the whole world smiles with you.
Thanks for reading.